I Need a Soldier!

“I know some soldiers in here, where they at, where they at?

They wanna take care of me, where they at?”

I love that Destiny’s Child song. It’s funny how that came on today, of all days, to remind me of my man-in-uniform obsession … One Ball and I had a conversation this morning about his leaving the military life and rejoining civvie street. The redundancy list was out and his name was on it. Thankfully, he wanted to leave the army anyway, but that redundancy list can be a killer for soldiers who don’t actually want to leave.

“Are you excited to leave it all behind?” I asked.

“I am. I’m actually really excited to get stoned with you!” he replied.

“Awwww, but won’t you miss it? Seriously?”

“Is me being a soldier a big thing for you? You’re not going to leave me when I leave, are you?”

The question stopped me in my tracks although I’m really not quite sure why. If I was going to be really honest with him, I’d need to tell him that being in uniform was probably one of the biggest reasons he got his foot in the door with me. I’m a sucker for a man in uniform. Any military uniform, really, and even a few non-military ones. Just a quick flick through My List will tell you all you need to know [updated 2020]:

Number 2: The Tie-Me-Up Guy – RAF

Number 11: Sailor Boy – Navy

Number 23: The Drunk Army Guy – Army

Number 24: The Older Guy – Army

Number 25: The Married Guy – Army

Number 27: My Mr Grey – Army

Number 28: The Hubby – Army

Number 30: The Guy with the Big Ears – Army

Number 31: The Best Man – Army

Number 33: The Asshole – Army

Number 34: The Fake Italian – Army

Number 35: The Take-Me-To-The-Woods Guy – Army

Number 36: The Neighbour’s Husband – Army

Number 43a: The Really Beautiful Man (although we actually only lasted for about 40 text messages) – Army

Number 44: One Ball – Army

Number 45: My Beautiful Tattooed Jock – Army

Number 48: The Director – Army (plus some other super-secret stuff)

17 out of the 50 people (men and women) I’ve slept with have been in the military. And quite a few more have had military connections in one way or another. Big Love, for example, was with me in The War Zone – a definite military connection. Number 32: The Supervisor also had a military connection.

Fuck … do I have a problem? Is this technically known as an addiction? Am I addicted to military dudes?

What is it about the uniform that does it for me?

To be honest, I don’t think it’s *just* the uniform, especially with Army boys. The Hubby would come home with the most amazing grease and oil smell lingering around him, from working on big vehicles all day, and it would drive me absolutely insane. And that was the case for Number 36: The Neighbour’s Husband, too. They had a smell about them that drove me crazy. Maybe it was a pheromone thing, I dunno. Whatever it was, it worked then and it still works now. Army boys will walk past me in the street sometimes, wafting that scent my way, and it makes me want to drop my trousers right there and then in the street for them.

Army boys are always really punctual too. That’s from my vast experience, anyway. I don’t ever remember any of them keeping me waiting. And all of mine were easy on the eye, but that’s not the case for all squaddies. The uniform helps to make them more visually appealing though. Even the least attractive soldier in the squadron got a look in with me once they put that uniform on. It’s a bit like Superman’s costume: it makes them a completely different – HOTTER – person.

I’m generalising massively here but I’m just going on everything I know … which is a lot. Most squaddies I’ve met are arrogant as hell, with an abundance of wankerish charm that somehow manages to woo the pants right off me. They’re sexist in the sexiest ways; in all the ways I’m NOT meant to find sexy. And funny in outrageous, not-so-funny ways. They’re dance close to the line of what’s allowed and PC, but something about that kind of man just does it for me. I wish it didn’t, but it does. Every single fucking time.

If a soldier boy wants you, there’s a good chance he’s going to get you. They’re manipulative men. Big egos. Not a fan of hearing the word: no. They’ll find a way to figure out what you like before then exploiting it to make sure they get what they like. That’s how come they’ve got such a bad reputation for sleeping around: they do it a lot … and they’re actually really good at it. I personally think it’s because every woman feels like she can ‘tame’ a man like that, but men like that can’t be tamed until they want to be tamed – and a lot of the time they don’t want to be tamed at all. And in the time it takes you to realise you’ve got another bad boy who won’t ever turn good, you’ll have had such mind-blowing sex that you’ll see them through fuck-tinted spectacles for months and years to come.

Soldier boys are bad. They’re bad, bad news. Even the most faithful and well-behaved husband can have his head turned by a cheeky little flirt on a drunken night out. Trust me … I’ve been the cheeky little flirt. I’ve turned many a head myself. And it’s nowhere near as hard to do as it should be. I don’t think I’ve met a single married soldier who hasn’t cheated on his wife. Let me think about it for a second …

… thinks …

I stand by my statement: I don’t actually think I’ve met a single married soldier who hasn’t cheated on his wife. I’ve been inside the ‘hive’. I know what goes on behind closed army doors. Not that the doors were even that closed, to begin with. I accidentally found myself at a swingers party one night, and working in the medical centre meant that I learnt about all the lads who were sleeping around and catching STIs and all the women who were getting pregnant behind their husband’s backs and having to book free transport to the clinic to get an abortion. The wives were just as bad as their husbands.

And on that note, it might be about time that I introduced you to a married soldier who definitely cheated on his wife … with me.

Stay tuned to learn all about Number 36: The Neighbour’s Husband. It’s coming next.